Finding Peace in Our Lives.

Last night I read from Being Peace and the following passage jumped out at me:

There is a Zen story about a man who is riding a horse that is galloping very quickly. Another man, standing alongside the road, yells at him, “Where are you going?” And the man on the horse yells back, “I don’t know, ask the horse!” I think that is our situation. We are riding many horses that we cannot control. (Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace, Parallax Press, Berkeley, CA, 1987)

I think sometimes in our lives we allow things to lead us, until we're unable to control the direction life is leading us.

It would be nice to wake up tomorrow and know where I am leading my horses rather than wondering where my horses will lead me.

Tweets and Thoughts on Attending a Mega-Church

Today on twitter MethoBlog sent out a tweet I recognized was authored by one of the pastors at my church. I responded, and it twitter format, here is how the conversation went (my comments in bold). By the way, I don't feel bad posting this, since its easily accessible by looking at my twitter history and his.

@methoblog Those are the ministers from my church! Good to see they get the recognition they deserve! :)

methoblog@justjenks consider yourself blessed to have such gifted people around your church body

@methoblog is it sad to say the experiences w staff is why I go back? It's NOT being surronded by 10,000 people I don't know. ;)

methoblog @justjenks i, personally, would have a tough time with the shear numbers of your church as well.

As the day went on, my comment about my church weighed on me. Why do I go back? Why I am I unhappy when I church hop to find "the right one"? What kind of pressure does comments like this put on our pastors?

Pastors in our church are assigned members by alpha-sorting. A-D get Pastor 1, E-K get Pastor 2, etc. Personally, I have no clue who my assigned Pastor is, because I choose to go to the West Campus. If one of the staff over there is unavailable, then I guess I do without because I don't "know" the staff at the main campus.

The stated purpose of our church is : To build a Christian community where non-religious and nominally religious people are becoming deeply committed Christians.

I think that's wonderful, but I think where my disconnect started years ago was I felt lost and in between those two points. I'm no longer nominally religious, but I'm certainly not mature in my faith. My assigned Pastor wouldn't know me if they bumped into me at the market. Said Pastor certainly when assigned hundreds of members, can not have the time to sit down with me and talk to me about my struggles in faith.

So, why do I go back? I think during my short run tonight I need to ponder that.

I think it has to do with a few connections I've made. It has a lot to do with the fact its familiar (10 years and going). I enjoy the heart of the sermons, although I feel too much media is used. And lately, I have started to have hope that I can get involved in a few areas and make a difference.

One item missing from that list of reasons? I don't go back for the sense of community. After all, 10,000 people at church is about 7500 more people than was in my whole town growing up. That's not a community, that's a small city.

Am I a Young Adult? Or Just an Adult now?

I need to check out the qualifications for those "young adult" activities I don't attend. What if I'm no longer a Young Adult? What if I'm just an Adult? I don't feel like one of the old ones. Is being a parent an automatic disqualification from this church group? LOL. Since I didn't go to the young adult activities, will I still not attend the adult activities? Why did I not feel old before I starting wonder if I'm too old for the Young Adult group anymore?

Who is my neighbor?

Something today reminded me of a conversation between my daughter and me about a year ago (she was 5) in the car (where all the best conversations happen) going through downtown KC.

A : Why are there people under that bridge? It's cold out.

Me : Well, um, yeah, well, um, they live there honey.

A : why?

Me : they have no other place to go.

A : Can't they go home?

Me : No, they can't, they don't have one.

A : can't their mother give them a place to live if they don't have a home?

Me : my guess is honey they don't have any family to live with.

A : (starts crying) Mama, I think we should give them a home to live in or they can stay with us.

I remember at that point, all I could respond with was, "I wish we could honey."

She had not yet developed that callousness of they're probably drunks, or addicts, or too lazy to work, or any of the other snap judgments people tend to make. I always give the guy on the corner a dollar if I have one. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt that this dollar matters in his day.

When I hear projects to help those in need, it's easy to get caught up in the big ones that sound impressive or the exotic ones in other countries.... and I'm not discounting those programs at all, but I wonder how we (me) can find the invisible neighbors. The neighbor we don't see that sits in the back row of church and doesn't say a word, or the elderly neighbor on our street who never has a visitor, or even the kid that we see that just doesn't seem to belong.

I'm still working on how I can take these musings and use my life to help the invisible neighbors. Until I do, I think my life is incomplete and not totally compatible with the way I want to live my life.

Trifecta of Disaster

Very rarely do I cross-post between my two blogs, but thought someone might find the humor in my not-so-humorous workout this week! haha

In January, I had a crazy friend talk me off the fence about a triathlon. Found one for July, so luckily I have some time, but not much.

First things first, I have to learn to swim. Keep in mind, I can swim playing around at the pool, lake, or in the ocean, but have never swam a lap before Jan 2009. Seriously. So, I noticed the community center is offering a triathlon swim class on Saturday mornings. I take it and have been trying to practice at lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This weeks practice? The trifecta of disaster.

First. I walk out in my swim suit to only discover another trader from another company works out at my gym and is sitting in the hot tub. I've known him 12 years. Greeeeat, an audience. Disaster part 1.

Secondly, I suck at swimming. Truly this is one of the hardest things I've had to learn and I hate not doing anything well. I am also convinced I am going to die this summer of cancer of the stomach considering how much pool water I manage to ingest. Dear lord, how hard can this be? I gulp so much air, I burp chlorinated water for an hour after practicing. My stomach will hurt for 2 hours after a practice haha

Third, the middle aged men at the pool don't help. They are swimming 2 or 3 laps to my one then like to head over to the hot tub and watch me struggle. Keep in mind, these men have bellies bigger round than my ass circumference and look like they would have a coronary if they tried touch football with their grandkids. They like to comment on how "this week looks a lot better than last". Did I mention colleague from other company is watching all of this?

So, add together:
water in stomach +
middle aged men kicking my butt +
audience from a colleague I wish had never seen me in a swim suit
= trifecta for disaster.

Said friend who kicked me off the fence? He said, "it sucks until it doesn't." I hope he's right.

Who Stole my Jesus revisited.

Last May I wrote: http://view-from-the-pew.blogspot.com/2008/06/who-stole-my-jesus-part-1.html. Which basically is a spin off of a book I read. My Jesus was stolen from me.

Almost a year later, I think I better defined the Jesus I was seeking (is that really Him though, or am I pushing him into my box?), but it's still not clear. I also have not found a community which shares that lens. Sometimes I'm jealous of the happy-clappy-fundamentalist-bible-cheering-crowd. Seriously. They have support in numbers. If you think about it, there is no shortage of people to claim the republicans divinity, abortion is the biggest threat to Christianity, and that all non-Christians are damned. Unfortunately, I don't fit into that mass, so I'm back to square one.

I found that if you start questioning that Jesus had to die. Or if Jesus was even divine, and suddenly you're alone in a crowd.

Jesus is out there. I could tell you 2 experiences of how I know, but short of coming out a Minister's mouth, you'd probably think I was crazy. Lord knows I wonder some days myself.

I thought I would have found my Jesus by now. He's not where I've been looking, so as Einstein might suggest... in order to prevent insanity, it's time to stop looking where I've been and try somewhere new.

"Christian" Music has forever been ruined for me.

First it was South Park.

Then The Wittenburg Door.

Now, I can't listen to it on the radio or in church without giggling a little. Why? Read On....

I was never a fan of Contemporary "Christian" music to begin with. I mean, some of it is ok, but the rest of it to me is redundant, repetitive, and boring. To me, it doesn't praise the Lord, it's all about ME! ME! ME! Jesus save ME! Jesus help ME! MY relationship with you. Ad naseum....

It was kind of a secret. Something you can laugh about with your atheist and agnostic friends, but not something I would bring up at church. Then I realized I wasn't alone with the summer edition of Wittenburg Door's guide to Contemporary Christian Music : http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/your-guide-contemporary-christian-music

before that though, was a South Park episode where the boys decide they want to start Christian Rock Band (for the platinum record , not to inspire). It really funny if you can get past the language. IMO. It does make a point about the music. Basically they take old love songs and at the end of each line, they say, "Jesus". One example is "Three Times a Lady" by the Commodores is changed to "Three Times my Savior". Funny because I swear I've heard the same thing on Sunday.

If you love CCM and it works for you, by all means keep listening. I'm not sure the collection on my ipod would inspire you the same way it inspires me. On the other hand, if CCM lovers think this music is going to appeal to the young nominally religious crowd, they should probably rethink their game plan. If I'm annoyed by the sound of the music, I am pretty sure the message will be lost on me.

I'm just glad I'm not alone in my annoyance. Thanks SP and WD!

Dolphus Weary and notes in the margin.

My little one and I went today to listen to a speaker at church, Dr Dolphus Weary. Google him for his biography, that's not what I want to spend space on.

He spoke briefly about his book, I Ain't Comin Back and spoke a lot about race within the Christian community. If you read my blog at all, you know I've lost my Jesus, so I find speakers who talk about "Christian community" fascinating. Throw in my personal interest of urban plights and I am one captivated audience member. I could have listened to him for another 90 minutes.

On his biographical information sheet, I wrote in the margins... Not every note will become a blog entry, but most will ;) Here we go in order my notes:

• Racism no more in the body of Christ
• How is God preparing us for this?
• How do you arrive at your own answers?
• Where does compassion lead us?
• How do we bring God here now?
• Where are you running to? Where are you running from?
• We allow other things to get in the way of dealing with racism (the elephant)
• What positive influence to I give to my family?
  
• More to do with exposure than intelligence
• The gospel must break across historical barriers
• The problem with poor communicities is they aren't exposed to people who open up their world
• We don't have relationships. Relationships take time
• Be willing to be a learner
• Help me understand your lens.
• Planning. working. dreaming.
• people are quick work, but slow to build relationship

Out of context to someone who didn't hear his talk today, these things might seem odd and random. But each one elicits a strong emotion from me. Each one screams at me based on things I want to accomplish in my life, and things I've done.

Our vision, whether it's at COR or in another capacity, should be to reconcile and walk together.

Erring on the Side of Mercy

erring on the side of mercy......

Seems simple enough. If you're not sure, EOTSOM. Right?

In a situation would you rather judge or EOTSOM?

[Not sure I'll ever use this acronym/abbreviation again, but I'm not sure I want to type it out again and again and feel lazy to c/p LOL ]

When I err on the side of mercy and it appears I made the "wrong" choice, did I really?